Mental health. It’s a funny one isn’t it? You think you’re fine, you’re coping, you don’t need any help. Then something happens and all of a sudden you’re not.
This is social media, happy, smiling. Positive pants firmly on. But the truth is that it’s not reality, life isn’t sunshine and roses 24/7.
Last year was utterly rubbish. I lost my Grandmother in January, I still miss her every single day, I have a lump in my throat and a sting in my eyes when I think of her and I am definitely not “over it” yet, nor will I ever be.
Then in February I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, after years of symptoms and wondering if I was just going to drop dead one of these days, I finally had answers. It was life changing and generally I feel fine about it but it is a little bit like living with a black cloud that is constantly hovering close by. It’s always there. Even if you aren’t relapsing.
In May my Grandad died unexpectedly. I didn’t attend his funeral and I feel regret about that. I didn’t really get to say goodbye. I miss him. I still have his voicemails on my phone. The phonecalls I never returned. I will eternally hate myself for not returning his last phone call, I thought I’d see him in a few weeks. I never saw him again.
Then there was the bloodbath in the kitchen. Placenta Previa and the single most terrifying experience of my life. My sweet Alba was nestled safely in my tummy when I started bleeding onto the kitchen floor. My bump went icy cold, my pulse was over 200. I remember slipping on the blood because there was so much of it. I thought she was gone, I thought I’d die and leave Siena. I didn’t and are fine but I still have flashbacks.
Then came Lemtrada. Chemotherapy. Used to treat MS in an aggressive way and it really does knock you for six. I’ll be having more of that this year – yay!
Last year I coped. I managed. I moved from trauma to trauma without much thought. I pushed through, I made it through. I was fine.
Now? Not so much.
Alba isn’t sleeping well and it’s killing me. I feel guilty because I’ve seen my dear friends suffering TERRIBLE and horrendous losses and I feel horrific over a few lost hours of sleep? How dare I?
I am full of self hatred. I’ve been following Slimming World which has worked for me previously but this time it isn’t and I’ve actually gained weight. I’m exercising 3 times a week and I still look in the mirror and want to vomit. Nothing fits. I want to slap myself for being so stupid and allowing myself to gain the weight in the first place but I know that won’t help.
I want to get over it. I want to be fine on Monday after a bit of R&R and I hope I am. But I wanted to post this now to remember how I felt. How I feel right now.
Life is hard. Yes I might be fine on Monday. It might be my time of the month or I might have PMS, I might just be feeling a bit blue today. But I wanted to post this to let everyone know that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling. It’s okay to be honest. It’s okay to be raw and emotional. It’s okay.
From me to you. If you’re having a shitty day. I’m there with you. We all are.