Having a breakdown?

Mental health. It’s a funny one isn’t it? You think you’re fine, you’re coping, you don’t need any help. Then something happens and all of a sudden you’re not.

5ADF4016-562E-4763-B395-FAFA934EABE6.jpeg

This is social media, happy, smiling. Positive pants firmly on. But the truth is that it’s not reality, life isn’t sunshine and roses 24/7.

Last year was utterly rubbish. I lost my Grandmother in January, I still miss her every single day, I have a lump in my throat and a sting in my eyes when I think of her and I am definitely not “over it” yet, nor will I ever be.

Then in February I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, after years of symptoms and wondering if I was just going to drop dead one of these days, I finally had answers. It was life changing and generally I feel fine about it but it is a little bit like living with a black cloud that is constantly hovering close by. It’s always there. Even if you aren’t relapsing.

In May my Grandad died unexpectedly. I didn’t attend his funeral and I feel regret about that. I didn’t really get to say goodbye. I miss him. I still have his voicemails on my phone. The phonecalls I never returned. I will eternally hate myself for not returning his last phone call, I thought I’d see him in a few weeks. I never saw him again.

Then there was the bloodbath in the kitchen. Placenta Previa and the single most terrifying experience of my life. My sweet Alba was nestled safely in my tummy when I started bleeding onto the kitchen floor. My bump went icy cold, my pulse was over 200. I remember slipping on the blood because there was so much of it. I thought she was gone, I thought I’d die and leave Siena. I didn’t and are fine but I still have flashbacks.

Then came Lemtrada. Chemotherapy. Used to treat MS in an aggressive way and it really does knock you for six. I’ll be having more of that this year – yay!

Last year I coped. I managed. I moved from trauma to trauma without much thought. I pushed through, I made it through. I was fine.

Now? Not so much.

Alba isn’t sleeping well and it’s killing me. I feel guilty because I’ve seen my dear friends suffering TERRIBLE and horrendous losses and I feel horrific over a few lost hours of sleep? How dare I?

I am full of self hatred. I’ve been following Slimming World which has worked for me previously but this time it isn’t and I’ve actually gained weight. I’m exercising 3 times a week and I still look in the mirror and want to vomit. Nothing fits. I want to slap myself for being so stupid and allowing myself to gain the weight in the first place but I know that won’t help.

I want to get over it. I want to be fine on Monday after a bit of R&R and I hope I am. But I wanted to post this now to remember how I felt. How I feel right now.

Life is hard. Yes I might be fine on Monday. It might be my time of the month or I might have PMS, I might just be feeling a bit blue today. But I wanted to post this to let everyone know that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to admit that you’re struggling. It’s okay to be honest. It’s okay to be raw and emotional. It’s okay.

From me to you. If you’re having a shitty day. I’m there with you. We all are.

Love,

Rhian

x

3 thoughts on “Having a breakdown?

  1. Emma's World says:

    I wanted to respond – I know in the grand scheme of things, this is minute, but I have a blog and next week I’m releasing a piece on my five favourite mummy vloggers and you’re on it! I really enjoy your vlogs, they’re honest, you have a beautiful family and when I’m having a shitty day with my 4 month old son, they make me feel a little better, that tomorrow is a brand new day. Didn’t want to read and leave without writing a comment – keep doing what you’re doing because somewhere, you may not know it, but you’re helping someone 😍

    Like

  2. Sahira Mahmood says:

    Oh sweetheart – thank you for sharing and being so open and honest. You’ve been through such a rough time and you are allowed to feel down. God willing you’ll be as right as rain in no time 🙂 I wish you all the best and hope you feel better soon. Xxxx

    Like

  3. Jules says:

    The thing is, when we battle through and stay strong at some point we can break, and that’s perfectly ok. You’ve had so much loss in such a short time, during pregnancy, and then all the other things that life brings without much of a breath. You’re doing the best you can. Mum guilt is the worst! Thanks for sharing, love your channel and your honesty and I hope tomorrow is as non shitty as possible! Xoxo

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s